Self-Discussion

One of the few entries about my life in recent times.

Of course, I'm going into my last and final year of college and certain things are dropping into the playing field. What would I do next? What could I do? What should I do? What's actually feasible? In the end, with my choice in majors, it was decided that I should continue my education at the graduate school level. Of course, that brings up other factors such as preparing for the GRE which comes as a problem; I'm not a great test taker, you see, something about thinking too much. It also makes me wonder about which programs I should apply to - all of which appear to be out-of-state, which I'm quite happy about. On that note, I was talking to a professor of mine who opened the curtains to the possibility of other fields in addition to Medical Anthropology: Public Health, since I'm interested in working for organisations like WHO and CDC. I also met up with a friend who re-introduced the idea of Forensic Anthropology who saw the possibility of working together since her goal was to work for the FBI, after watching the TV series Bones. It all sounds great, but when all's said and done, I need to think about what I'm capable of.

I actually take pride in my personality and how I am. I appear to others to be aloof, detatched, unique but with my moments of light heartedness and amicable self, and the times when I somehow exude this "stay away" aura about me that borders on intimidating, or so I've been told. When I found out my personality type (INTP, and here) I was ecstatic so I would have a base to figure out why I do the things I do. My scatterbrained ways, how I dislike others telling me what to do, no matter if it is for my well-being and even their credentials didn't matter, my strange mutual relationship with procrastination. Even how I just contradict myself in every other way, with every one of my ideals and morals molded to fit myself and what I want. Sure, I love these aspects of me, as well as my intense concentration in certain subjects, but would it really get me to where I want.

In theory, it could. I have a strange fascination with medicine as well as death, making connections that even amuse me. I'm so sucked into it that when I find out that someone's injured or had died, my first reaction is to ask how it happened or if it was caught on tape, just to satisfy my curiosity as to how a certain event did what kind of damage that resulted in that particular victim's death/injury. Of course, this leads to why I also dislike it when they tell me these things, because I know that my normal reaction isn't very "normal," nor is it appropriate. Not to mention the fact that the person is usually crying or displaying some sort of strong emotion at the same time, something I, myself, am not quite comfortable with, since I'm not even comfortable with my own. This leads to why only a small amount of my friends know about this part of me.

Honestly, this 'devotion,' obsession, or intense interest, in this subject would tell me just how much I would love going into this field, but I can't help but second guess myself. I procrastinate with everything I do, no matter what. I bought the GRE study guide book, but I haven't opened it. I skimmed through the website, but I haven't done anything further. I always tend to do things even though I shouldn't, though nothing big, and procrastination's a big one. I know if I don't get a good score on the GRE, my goal of getting into a grad school of any sort is thrown out the window. Then it goes into the field. I feel no need to be "the best." In fact, I'd much rather stay on the sidelines, contributing but out of the public eye. At the same time, I hate being wrong to the point that I won't say anything I think unless I'm at least around 90% sure. It doesn't help how I already hate talking in the first place. This even applies to languages. I did pretty well in my Chinese classes but I refused to speak it, even if I had the words clear in my head. At least, until I studied abroad in China. There, I spoke it and I enjoyed it. I suppose a large part was influenced by the fact that it was either Chinese, or get the Foreigner's Tax, and I'm rather cheap. Back here, after being assured that my Chinese was good enough to pass as Asian, though not Chinese all the time (I was often mistaken for being Japanese or Korean), I used it more readily, but as the time passes, I find myself less and less open to speaking Chinese like I readily did just five months before. Also, the time I took to write an 8-paged paper in Chinese has increased from a mere 3 hours, including my mandatory breaks to 'relax', to half a day.

I suppose the main problem is that most employers might not be looking for someone who doesn't 'sell' themselves at that job interview. I, for one, have interned at a number of hospitals and two private clinics, and besides a 3-month long job as an English tutor, I never had a "real job." It frustrates me how employers are looking for people with experience when they won't give me the chance to build up my resume, because I have been interviewed. For the others that did like me, there was something in the way, like I would only be in Houston for the summer and then I'd have to go back to Austin for school. But then I automatically move onto the next "thought string" so as not to think of it too much. There are too many things in this world I could dwell on. I'll be taking Japanese this summer and hoping my 2 years worth of Chinese (I took 4th-year level Chinese last semester) would help - but I honestly hope to take Korean as well in order to compare and contrast, but that may not happen since first year first semester Korean isn't offered in the Spring. I'll probably attempt my hand at teaching myself, then go to the Korean market in the city and try it out (I got mistaken for being Korean today there which is great and all, but I still wonder what he had said besides "hello," the only thing I could understand.) All this stuff intrigues me, but it seems like I dabble. Good thing is that I tend to forget everything else when I'm doing something I like, or even when I'm in my daydreaming modes.

In truth, sometimes I wonder if my absent mindedness that flits from one thing to another could help me in any way.

Don't get me wrong. I love my classes. Registration time's one of my most favorite periods of the semester. Looking up interesting classes I could take, comparing the times and seeing how the schedule adds up. I'll be taking a senior seminar on Death. I'm nervous about the presentation I've heard I'm required to do since I am no good at public speaking at all, but I'm excited at what I'll be acquiring. I'll be taking some anatomy classes as well and some culture classes. No... I'm incredibly sure this is the road I'll want to take.

I don't care if I don't make a fortune as long as I have a nice savings account holed up somewhere. I don't even care if I'm not at the highest level as long as I'm involved and I get all the information. The only question is will how I am, something I've been so (silently) proud of, affect my advancement in it. Humans are innately social and even someone like me, who loathes the thought of being around more than five people at one time, feels the need to talk to friends once in a while. In the end, the employers will look for someone who "interacts well with others" and dresses appropriately. I can act like it in the job interview, but I despise doing so. I have nothing against twisting the truth when needed, but I like to do things with full effort without hiding anything and that interview is the doorway to that. I can also drag my sister out to shop for me for those nice slacks, I think they're called, with the ironed blouse as well, but that's definitely not me either.

This world is way too confusing, I think. It's interesting, as are humans, but sometimes, I just wish some things were relatively simple. If you strip away everything, employers are just looking for those applicants who lie well. They're setting themselves up.

I find myself mentally laughing at that, but I suppose if that's what they're gearing for, kudos to them. For me, I'll just sit here trying to get to where I want. I'm sure I'll get there eventually. I'm just at a road block. I just hope I can dig up a jackhammer and get rid of it soon. With a jackhammer, I'm sure it'll happen quickly, but, unfortunately, all I have now is just a pickaxe.

My brain's currently reeling so I'll stop here, I often find my fingers too slow for my thought process, but this has helped me express a portion of my them. Now, to put it into action...